Q: “Are you still married?”
A: “Are you still alive?”
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- The nosy neighbor, the rude date of a friend, the overreaching in-law: these bastards are everywhere.
- Use this guide to help you respond to them without giving them the satisfaction of a real answer.
- Stunned silence is an effective tool to employ when asked an inappropriate question. A protracted silence can even offer the offender the opportunity to think better of their question and possibly revoke it.
- Another tactic you can take is to brush it off with a funny comment. A ridiculous question warrants a ridiculous answer. Example: If someone asks you when you’re planning on having a baby, you can reply that the storks are on strike.
- You can also use bridging messaging to redirect the conversation to more comfortable territory.
Talking Points
Responding to Nosy Bastards
| Situation | Answers | Keywords |
|---|---|---|
| General Nosiness | Oh you! You know that I can’t talk about that! | General |
| General Nosiness | I could tell you but I’d have to kill you. | GeneralSmart Ass |
| General Nosiness | I’m discreet and loyal, which is why I can’t disclose that to you, but that means I also extend the same courtesy to you with the things you tell me. | General |
| General Nosiness | I rather not talk about that, if you don’t mind. | General |
| General Nosiness | Can we talk about something else? | General |
| General Nosiness | I’m not really in a place/in the mood to talk about that right now. | General |
| General Nosiness | I’m afraid that is too private to discuss. | General |
| General Nosiness | I’m not at liberty to say. | General |
| General Nosiness | I’m afraid I can’t share that information with you. | General |
| General Nosiness | I can’t believe you would ask me that! | General |
| General Nosiness | If you forgive me for not answering, I’ll forgive you for asking me that. | |
| General Nosiness | Why do you think you need to know that? | |
| When are you getting married? | I must confess that marriage has not been a priority for me so far. If something changes, I’ll be sure to let you know. | PersonalMarriageSmart Ass |
| How many job interviews have you had? | Fortunately, I haven’t had any interviews. You know how they interfere with my pursuit of the contemplative life. | WorkPersonalSmart Ass |
| How much money do you make? | Enough to get by, but I could use more. Is this your way of offering to buy dinner? | PersonalMoneySmart Ass |
| Are you still single? Are you dating someone? How’s your love life? | I’m still waiting for that one perfect serial killer. | DatingPersonalSmart Ass |
| Have you lost weight? | Why? Did someone find some? | WeightPersonalAppearanceSmart Ass |
| Is that gray in your hair? Are you thinking of coloring your grays? | Oh no, that’s not gray hair. I’ve been painting the ceiling and I just can’t get it out. | AppearancePersonalSmart Ass |
| How old are you? | Do you mean how old am I claiming to be today? | Smart Ass |
| How old do you think I am? | I don’t know – let me look at your teeth. | Smart Ass |
Further Reading
