How to respond to gaslighting

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What does gaslighting feel like? (Source: The Psychology Group)

• Constantly feeling confused or like you’re going crazy
• Frequently doubting yourself (e.g. “am I too emotional?” “did this actually happen?”)
• Having difficulty trusting yourself and other people
• Constantly assuming you did something wrong (feeling it’s always your fault or that you’re to blame)
• Feeling the need to apologize (leading to over apologizing)
• Making excuses for other people’s actions (or rationalizing why they did something that hurt you)
• Feeling like you have to prove everything
• Feeling like you constantly have to back up your reasoning/views of things with an abundance of facts
• Sensing something is wrong, but feeling like you’re not able to “put your finger on it”
• Regularly feeling misunderstood and alone

What does gaslighting sound like? (Source: The Psychology Group)

• “You’re so dramatic”
• “You’re too sensitive”
• “You’re too emotional”
• “You’re imagining things”
• “You know you sound insane right now, right?”
• “You’re always making stuff up”
• “You’re making a big deal out of nothing, like always”
• “Nothing you’re saying makes sense, do you even hear yourself?”
• “You’re being paranoid”
• “You’re acting crazy” or “you’re overreacting”
• “I was joking! You take everything personally”
• “That never even happened.” “This is what happened…” or “this is what I said…”
• “Why should I believe you? Everyone knows you’re full of it”
• “You’re not thinking clearly”
• “You’re making yourself the victim when I’m the one who should be mad”

Talking Points

• We remember things differently.
• If you continue to speak to me like this, I’m not engaging.
• I realize you disagree with me, and this is how I see the things: <describe concisely your side of the story>
• I understand that your intention was to make a joke, and the impact was hurtful
• You don’t get to decide how I feel or if I was hurt.
• This is my experience and these are my emotions.
• I know what’s best for me.
• This is what I want and what I need right now.
• This is my decision to make.
• I’m struggling to stay in this conversation, I’ve already said “no” several times.
• I don’t like how much energy I’m putting into proving my perspective and it would mean a lot to me if you gave me the benefit of the doubt.
• I feel like you’re not validating my right to an opinion/my perspective.
• I know my truth, and I’m not going to debate you.
• We will just have to agree to disagree.
• I hear you, but that wasn’t my experience.
• You and I don’t see things the same way.
• We can debate about the solution, but I’m not open to debating my feelings or the right to my feelings.
• The way I feel is not up for debate.
• We clearly see things differently. Let’s agree to disagree.
• I’ve heard your point of view many times and I still don’t agree with it.
• I hear your concerns but I’m okay with making this choice.
• I know you feel strongly, but I hope you can see that my feelings are valid too.
• I don’t appreciate you saying <what they said that offended you.>
• My emotions are valid and I believe I have expressed them clearly and respectfully.
• Can you be more specific with your details? Words like “always” or “never” are a little vague and it would be helpful to have more actionable detail.
• We are discussing what hurt me, not my reaction. We can discuss my reaction at another time.
• Just because I perceived things differently from you doesn’t make me crazy or wrong.

Further Reading